OneDayOneStep

Emotionally Unavailable

2010-08-31T23:35:00.002-04:00

Do you ever hear one of those "life-sayings" for the first time and instantly believe deep inside you have always known that to be true. This makes me wonder if life is really about learning lessons or re-remembering what we already knew.

Awareness, which is a bitch sometimes, is also the greatest gift. "Emotionally Unavailable" is a term that came to learn and understand a few years ago. That has been me for a majority of my life. I realized I also pursue men that fit that similar tag. The progress is that I am catching it sooner these days and taking the actions to stop myself from pursuing it. The end result today: sadness & relief.

Today I am grateful for:
My sponsor's facebook updates that were exactly what I needed to read or hear
M.R.
J.S.
N.V
facebook as another tool to stay connected
THe COVE and that there are people to travel to great lengths to fight for such a cause
GOD

1stepping

2010-08-23T23:02:00.003-04:00

I went to 2 meetings today and they were both 1st step meetings. What I get out of first step meetings isn't reassurance of not drinking, what I get is gratitude of where I am out today. That's really what I get from 1st step work today. I have a disease that will get me to say "fuck it". I will forget all the consequences and failed attempts at drinking and try to hide my pain with a drink.

3 days removed from having had worked 10 days in a row and I was still feeling it. My new pillows I got yesterday helped me sleep much better though :-)

Today I am grateful for
being able to go to meetings and seeing my friends
not having to go to bars to see my friends
peaceful day at work
rain to cool us off a bit
Subway

I've been looking for a song to sing....

2010-08-22T20:35:00.003-04:00

This past week a co-worker of mine grabbed me into their car and just unloaded with all the dirt going on in their position. The person said they just needed to unload their frustration with someone. I understand this now.
I recently held on to some feelings about a crush I had on someone. I held them so long because of fear or rejection and so on. I finally told that person how I felt and no matter what their response would have been, the relief of getting those feelings off my chest was instantly felt. I felt raw.

In recovery, the 5th step is such a powerful step because the act of letting someone else know our secrets is so rescuing.

I've been shopping for a piano/keyboard the past few days. I don't want to divulge everything on here, but I do want to find a way to do so. I've had several ideas for songs based on recent experiences. I want to get them to materialize. My sponsor told me about some step work his sponsor had him do through art and I thought it was pretty cool. Just another way to work the steps

Today I am grateful for
getting to see my parents today
that my trip to Wal-Mart was eventful..lol
my Celine Dion Blu-ray...she cries at everything and I like it
John Legend
inspiration
cake
my truck
possible idea for a fabulous Vegas trip!!

Pink Love

2010-08-21T23:57:00.002-04:00

I've had pink eye for 2 days now :-(
If there's a blessing in disguise is that it has forced me to slow down and get some rest this weekend.
I was supposed to see my Mom for her Bday today but they had plans so I'm going to Clear Lake tomorrow.
Since I was left with nothing to do and a pretty pink eye I went to the Newlywed Gay Game show were my friend Dave was the host. I watched the contestants divulge silly facts about each other..a little of their history. I see myself one day with some good history with someone else :-)

On a sad note, someone came up to me and said they saw an old ex of mine the other day. Sadly, nothing had changed and he is deeper into his slow death because of his addiction..I hope he gets it one day.

Today I am grateful for...
a FULL night of sleep last night
feelings of love
a great workout this morning!!
The Saints looked great in preseason this morning! Repeat??
Tomorrow
feelings of peace
getting text messages with a smiley face
being sober

2010-08-20T22:38:00.002-04:00

back to this blog..
It hasn't been much of a tool for me in recent years, but all of a sudden there's a lot of things happening in my life. You know those feelings you get from the universe that it's take time to take that next step in life? That's what I am talking about. I have a feeling that by the time 2010 is over I am going to look back and be amazed.

Something happened back in March and it happened twice. I was driving from the gym in the morning and all of a sudden started crying in my car for no reason. I had to pull over. Looking back now, there was not one situation, person, or thing that caused it. It felt like I was letting go of 6 years of emotions I have held back since being sober. I guess it was part of that "I am doing great" face. Since then, I've been getting a lesson and better understanding of what it means to live in the moment. The power of NOW. I've been able to experience Love, Joy, and a better awareness of what is going on each day in my heart and sometimes in my mind unfortunately..lol

I have to get back to this journal to get pen to paper to what is going on in the next month so I am not scared by it all. Fear is about tomorrow, next week, next month, and not knowing what lies ahead. At this moment, everything is perfect

Today I am grateful for:
awareness that God carried me through 10 straight days of work
discovering the wonderful music of John Legen and Kem
seeing my parents tomorrow
seeing my brother next week for my bday
getting to see one of my favorite singers, Meatloaf, with brother on my bday!!!!
M.R.
N.V.
D.D.
knowing when to step away
knowing when not to take the bait
G.O.D.

Higher Powered....the play

2010-02-18T23:34:00.002-05:00

About 6 months ago, I dreamed about a play based on Higher Powers in A.A. in the image of super heroes. It was a pretty detailed dream and since that night I have been getting random ideas about it.
Tonight I got asked to write the play for the 2010 Houston Roundup. I was quickly filled with a fear I haven't experienced in a LOOOOOOONG time.
I shouldn't act surprise. I knew this was put in my head that night by MY higher power. I am excited tonight...but scared shitless too..lol

Today I am grateful for...
1. God
2. Sponsees
3. BLP
4. Sense of Humor
5. Speaking my heart at the noon meeting today. I felt really charge at the topic of Tradition 1

Saints Win Super Bowl!!!!!

2010-02-08T00:12:00.002-05:00

I am not going to diminish my emotions tonight with words cause simply Words can't do justice to what I am feeling tonight.

Today I am grateful.

2010-02-06T22:59:00.002-05:00

3 of the biggest dreams in my life have come true and they all have one thing in common..I have been sober to experience them. I still remember the feeling when my idol Toni Braxton called me on stage to sing with her. I jumped up and down like an excited cheerleader.
I still remember rushing the field after the homerun that put the Astros in the World Series.
And way fresh in my mind has been the last 2 weeks starting with the kick that put the Saints in the SuperBowl!!!

Words really can't explain the joy and gratitude I am experiencing at this moment.

The excitement in all this has been enough to null my mom's finding of some asian porn tonight....if you want to know about this ask me in person :-)

Today I am grateful for:
A great SuperBowl gathering with close friends
Emotions
God and his subtle signs
That I can detect the red flags today a lot easier
good sleep tonight :-)

Facebook

2010-02-03T23:29:00.002-05:00

In the past year I've finally branched out from my home group in Houston and traveled to New Orleans, Dallas, and Austin. As a result, I've met some awesome people in recovery and have been able to stay connected with them through facebook. What a great gift this is!!
During the process, I have come to REALLY realize that my sober life is not relegated to my home group, the number of restaurants and coffee shops that we frequently visit. I thought I lost freedom when I first got sober, but what I really got is freedom to go anywhere in the world!

Today I am grateful for..
The means to go to Dallas for roundup, Black Eyed Peas, and Bill&Bob play
not giving up in school when I want to so often
connection
Jeff
David
Martin
Free Breakfast
Great sleep
my appointment with acupuncturist in morning
lunch with my dad tomorrow
SAINTS IN THE FREAKIN SUPER BOWL!!!!!!!!

Big D Roundup

2009-05-27T09:39:00.004-04:00

Finally got around to writing on here again after a wonderful weekend in Dallas for their roundup. I have to give it to the boys up there.....they really put on an amazing show. The speakers were all amazing, the workshops were great, and the shows were just over the top great.

I plan on making this a yearly visit. I didn't get to meet as many people as I would have like this first time around. Damn insomnia had feeling a bit out of it. Additionally, these types of events can be really difficult when I don't know many (any) faces.

I am still on my little emotional high from the weekend. It's just what I needed for my sobriety at the moment. I got to pick up a 4 year chip in Dallas, and get to do the same at home here in Houston on Saturday!!!

Today I am grateful for...
all the people that made BigD Roundup possible
that I was able to go
hearing my sponsor tell his Al-Anon Story
Picking up an Al-Anon serenity chip
That when I go back to work after a holiday weekend, I actually love going to work
Taking a day off from the gym to honor my body and rest

Boundaries

2009-05-17T22:37:00.002-04:00

Setting healthy boundaries is still something I struggle with. Even though I have gotten better at it, there is still plenty of room for improvement. Fear of not being liked is what is behind it. If I can see it, then it loses some power over me.

I had to set some boundaries tonight.

Today I am grateful for...
My sponsor
Newcomer at the meeting
Dinner even if I left my leftovers behind
Watching the Rockets
AMAZING time at Mrs. Lambda yesterday
A great big family that I can turn to

Facebook

2009-05-16T19:19:00.002-04:00

For some reason my last blog post did not appear....oh well.

Today, I took my ex down as a friend from Facebook. Not because of hard feelings, even though they are there, but for my peace of mind. I found myself going to see if he had any new posts, where he's at, or to get a clue about the guy he apparently left me for. Why am I attracted to things that cause pain?

It's been my experience that when a relationship ends, one or both parties do their best to keep the other at arm's distance. I've been there and don't like the feelings that come from that, so I am taking actions to not do that.

Today I am grateful for...
Speaker meeting
Mr. Mrs Lambda Tonight
Helping someone that is starting a non-profit
That my day at work flew by quick
That I had a good night of sleep
My lunch with Jon yesterday
Being able to knock out the Round Up Menu
God
Cool Front

90% good day

2009-05-12T23:26:00.002-04:00

Most of my day today was good. It was actually the best I have had since the breakup until I got home. I've been able to not dwell on the breakup while at work but getting home and seeing Brad brought up all the emotions again, the questions (so many questions), feelings.

I really need to move out soon....real soon. It's the only way I can begin to heal. It's been my experience after a breakup that the 2 people many times keep each other at arm's distance away either for control or to minimize the hurt.....

Today I am grateful for...
a busy day at work
seeing David briefly at the store
My constant prayers
good apointment at doctors
God
All my needs are met
willingness

That's all I have tonight...

Back to the Beginning

2009-05-11T22:32:00.004-04:00

I blogged my first few years of sobriety and it was one of my biggest tools.
I've been going through a painful breakup and have asked God to walk me through it. I am looking for signs of what I need to do and take the action when I think it is from higher power.

Today, my boss Fred told me about how someone used to read this blog and it reminded me how great a tool this was so I decided I need to start doing this again. Not for any readers but for myself.

Breakups has been the most painful thing I have experienced sober. I lost a good friend this year also and it helped so much to talk about it. I am doing the same about what is going on today.

My prayer right now is a prayer of faith renewal: "God, I ask that you give me a sign so clear that I have no doubt it comes from you and I know you are listening."

Today I am grateful for...
my little chat with Jon L tonight
That I have a big sober family
That I have a great family with 2 brothers and parents that have been together for long time
Desire to stay sober
Desire to walk through pain
God
A job that I just love
Melody who whispers to me
Mystery reader
Trip to Dallas soon

2009 Houston Aids Walk

2009-02-04T20:37:00.000-05:00

http://www.aidshelp.org/goto/Ricky

The 20th Annual AIDS Walk Houston, presented by Chevron, is scheduled for Sunday, March 15, 2009. It is an exciting, non-competitive walk event that increases community awareness and educates Houstonians about HIV/AIDS. Proceeds from AIDS Walk Houston raises money for AIDS Foundation Houston, Inc., as well as many other local HIV/AIDS service organizations.
When:

AIDS Walk Houston 2009
Sunday, March 15, 2009
8:00 am Check-In
9:00 am Opening Ceremonies
10:00 am Walk Begins
Where:

Sam Houston Park (downtown)
1000 Bagby Street
Distance: 5K (3.1 miles)
Beneficiaries: AIDS Foundation Houston, Inc and Houston-area HIV/AIDS service organizations. The funds that participants raise supports education and pediatric programs, provides housing, food, medical care, counseling, and job training to more than 100,000 Houstonians each year. Join the crowd!
Why: Incredible progress has been made in the fight against HIV/AIDS, but a cure has not been found. Individuals continue to contract HIV at an alarming rate right here in our city.

Please sign up to either walk or donate as part of the Houston Buyers Club Team

http://www.aidshelp.org/goto/Ricky

It has been a long time

2008-07-04T01:13:00.002-04:00

WOw..it has been a long time since I have written in here but there has been so much conscious contact with my higher power that I feel it good to put them down on here.

I have been the recipient of some good deeds by someone at work that has really opened up my eyes.
It started by him giving me over 2000 dollars of supplements out of the blue one day. Since then, I have been watching him closely trying to figure out motive, reasoning, etc.
I have watched him go beyond the call of the duty with many customers since that day. He spends long chats with them, gets involved, and many many times he buys supplements for customers when they can't afford them.
There isn't much that is know about my coworker's activities outside of work, but i have a feeling that he's is doing a loooooooot for many people and keeps it very hush hush.

Today I mentioned that I was having problem sleeping and when I got home there was a bottle of an herb for sleep he bought and put in my bag when I was not looking.

A year or so ago, when working with my sponsor, he had me do something nice for someone and not tell anyone about it.

This guy does it daily.

Today I am grateful for...
continual sobriety which gives me experience on how to take action to get out of my low times
that god is always there even when I am not looking/listening
the 3rd step being the step of freedom
Brad
George Michael
the voice inside of me that has only gotten stronger during sobriety
that tomorrow is a holiday and I am pretty sure that I will wake up and go to bed sober

Time to dust off this thing

2007-11-10T22:28:00.000-05:00

I think it is time for me to get back to this thing. I really need to start doing gratitude lists again.
The past several months have been really difficult for the plain reason that I have abandoned many of the small things, like this blog, that have gotten me to where I was in my life.

I am in my 3rd year of sobriety and unlike the first 2 years, I have had to dig deeper for the motivation to do many of the basics. I understand that this is part of the journey in recovery for many people.

If there has been 1 thing that I have done right that is my daily reminder of the 1st step.

Today I am grateful for.....
Knowing that God is always there
Awareness that comes with sobriety even when I am know I am not spiritually fit
A sense of responsibility and purpose at work that serves as a motivator
A wonderful partner
"The best sponsor in the world"
That I know what to do to maintain my sobriety during the holidays
The round up is coming up!!!
I am finally going to Vegas in a month the way it was supposed to happen..with my little brother
That changes in my life will mark a new chapter in my journey
"More will be revealed" It always seems to amaze me when this continues to be true

Just an update

2007-08-14T21:06:00.000-04:00

The video is from this past Sunday. Me and my roommate have hosted some people over for some games. It has been fun and very very rowdy!!!

I had a trip scheduled to Vegas this weekend coming up and my friend cancelled it. I was really bummed beyond belief for a bit. I was really looking forward to seeing Toni Braxton. I thought it would have been good to get away after summer school. At least I will be in town now to watch my parents' cats so they can go to Cancun for my mother's birthday.

School starts again next week. It is my final semester until I graduate. Because of the Hazelwood Exemption that covers my tuition, it is saving me over 3,000 this semester.

Finally, I went to the doctor today to get my result from my latest blood test. I was really excited because I have been doing 5 grams of green tea extract for several months now and there are many reports locally about how it has been effective. Well, my tcells went down almost 100 but the doctor said that it there is nothing to worry about. He went on to explain but I really didn't understand much.

Today I am grateful for....

Time I needed alone

God's contact with me

Reminders of the self destruction that came with my addictions

A/C during this heat

Brad

My parents

Lambda

The fear of relapse is a healthy fear

Video:Nancy Grace Prank/ The Good and Bad at this moment

2007-07-26T22:56:00.000-04:00

The Video is of CNN host Nancy Grace getting pranked by a technician in the production room.

I haven't gone to a meeting in some time now and I am aware of how it affects me. I have a shorter temper, I haven't been sleeping as well, and more importantly I feel VERY VERY disconnected. The longer I stay away, the harder it gets to go back to a meeting. At this moment, I am doing the minimum for my sobriety. I wake up and remind myself that I am powerless over my addiction and ask god to keep me sober

On a positive side, school is going well. I have one of the best college instructors I have ever had and that makes a big difference.I am also continuing my Warrior work that has been very rewarding.

Today I am grateful for...
A good night of sleep
Working with another alcoholic
Youtube
Brad
David D
Awareness
The safety I find with a group of Warrior men to talk honestly with
Getting over my stomach bug
My family
talking to my little bro today

2007-07-23T13:54:00.000-04:00

Encrusted Colon Matter
Uploaded by ColonHealth

Ok...here's that crazy video of the cleansing product Almighty Cleanse I talked about a while back

Keith Urban/ BEyonce/ Green Tea

2007-07-19T21:24:00.000-04:00

I posted several pics from the Keith Urban show that I went to recently. I also went to see Beyonce this past Saturday. I had a blast at both shows. It really is awesome being aware and present for a concert. I never really got wasted at concerts because I love going to them so much, but there have been several occasions when I haven't been "totally present" at a concert.

I am eagerly awaiting my lab results on July 31st of my latest T-cell counts. I have been doing green tea extract for 3 months now and expect my numbers to greatly increase. One of the local HIV doctors here has a patient that did 5 grams of Green Tea for 3 months and had a T-cell increase of 500 in 3 months. Anyone familiar with the virus knows that this is a great number.

It was research from Baylor University here in Houston that discovered how Green Tea is effective at fighting the virus.

Today I am grateful for....

working with sponsees

Tammy Faye Messner's Inspirational Story

Brad

My family

that I have an AWESOME instructor for my current class

a job that allows me to help others

Exercise

my new living room setup

my sobriety

GOD

Sicko/Transformers

2007-07-03T12:25:00.001-04:00

It was a rainy day yesterday, so I took the chance to catch 2 movies that i really wanted to see.
First, we saw Michael Moore's Sicko. What a downer. It was a good movie, but I left feeling so powerless and hopeless and asking myself is the United States really that great? My brother has lived in 2 European cities in the last 2 years and reports back great stories about work environment, health care, living situations, etc.

At night, we braved the crazy crowds that filled the theaters to catch Transformers. I looooooooooved it. It is so different from anything out there. I haven't been entertained like this by a movie in some time.It is funny at times, scary, and very nostalgic. Nothing worth of an Oscar, just plain fun.Can't wait for a sequel.

Today I am grateful for

Things to do on a rainy day

Time off from work and school

Brad

My Itunes

Going to the gym

Reeses Pieces

God

My sobriety

Laughing at the silliest of things

Lake Conroe

2007-07-01T22:44:00.000-04:00

My 1st summer class is over, so it is a few days of NOTHINGNESS. Actually, it is time to enjoy myself until class starts again on the 5th of July. I am 5 classes away from graduation!!!

Several of my warrior brothers and sober friends joined us for a day out on Lake Conroe. We rented a party barge and had a BBQ afterwards.

We found a pair of women's shoes onboard and had our own version of "America's Top Model" as we took turns modeling them....Much Fun!!Who knew a pair of shoes could bring so much joy to 16 men!!!

Today I am grateful for.....

Weather that was sparing

Blizzards from Dairy Queen

My friends in my life

Birthday Night at Lambda Yesterday

Celebrating Myke S. 4 years

My sponsor David

Brad

My family

All my needs are taken care of

My sobriety

That my relationship with God makes it all possible

Having fun in sobriety

2007-06-20T13:19:00.000-04:00

I don't take the time too often to do things that are "out of routine" especially during the school semester.

I busted my ass this past weekend getting ahead in my school work and was able to enjoy 2 days of fun, which included going to Galveston with my friend Brad, catching some movies, and just having fun.

So when I was called on Monday to lead the newcomers meeting, I knew that my topic would be the things that we do in sobriety for fun. The big book says "we are not a glum lot" I have fun going to meetings and getting the occasional laughs

Knowing what to do for fun was a big challenge in my first months of sobriety, so I spent a lot of time at meetings and at Lambda. I was scared of life. I was broken down.

Today, the tools I have learned in sobriety allow me to do anything I ever want. I have regained my freedom that drugs and alcohol had taken away from me.

Today I am grateful for..

The pleasure that came from leading the newcomer's meeting Monday

God talking to me and being aware sometimes to catch the message

Going to staff the Warrior Weekend on Friday

that I am currently filled with a lot joy and enjoying the moment

Speaking my truth with others

Kind words from strangers

Summer School

2007-06-17T09:20:00.001-04:00

I haven't posted because I haven't had much going on. I am in summer school and I forgot how intense a summer class can be. There is nooooooo time to fall behind. For me that is good because the material is fresh in my mind when I take my test. After 2 tests I have a B average with 2 tests to go.

I will be gone for 4 days this week staffing the New Warrior Weekend so I have spent a lot of my time getting ahead of my school work to be able to do this weekend.

I started my day yesterday by going to an HRC luncheon. I haven't been so nervous is a very long time. For some reason, I don't feel like I belong with that crowd. I went to an event when I first moved to Houston in 98 and it was the same experience then.
I did go to a speaker meeting to hear the always delightful Angela P tell her story last night. It was a great break from the pace.

On a very good note I met an awesome boy I met at work this week and went out on a first date and had the time of my life. We laughed and really connected. I felt like a little kid with him and for me I take that as a good sign.

Today I am grateful for..
Graduating from College becoming a a closer goal
The Family at Lambda
My clean apartment
A fridge FULLLLL of food
That I am aware of the life lessons I learn in sobriety
That God speaks to me all the time even when I dont like the message
That sobriety is a way of life now
Getting up early to do my school work today
GOD

My Fears in Relationships

2007-06-10T22:55:00.000-04:00

Identifying and Looking at my fears allows me to walk through them. As a result, they start to lose their power over me. Nothing brings out my fears and insecurities more than romantic relationships. I sat down tonight and listed all my fears pertaining to relationships(4th step). I've been able to face many of them and some still scare me to death. Here are a few of the ones that really stood out for me.

Fear of not being good enough- For me this really pertains to a fear that I have about dating guys that I see as successful especially in the financial area. I start to compare and usually focus on where I am lacking rather than my strenghts/golds. This fear has been very strong for me.

Fear of showing my sense of humor- This sounds crazy, but as I get older I think to myself that somehow my sense of humor and my inner child is judge as immaturity. I face this fear most when I date someone older than me. If there is one thing I have learned in sobriety is the power of Laughter and I really consider this to be one of my assets. I rarely take myself seriously

Fear of being rejected in bed because of my HIV I didn't think this was a fear until it happened. It's one thing to be told that someone wont date me because I am HIV positive, but it was a totally different experience to have someone pull back because of their fear about HIV. The guy said he didn't know if he could date someone with HIV but would try and find out. When we kissed for the first time, he pulled back.

Fear if being judged on my weakness/character defects This is a fear because I do it with others. I am really powerless over this.I have gotten better with this. When I am spiritually fit, I do this less and usually focus on the goods.

There are 2 guiding emotions in life: Love and Fear. My goal in life is to walk in Love as much as possible

Today I am grateful...
that my bug only lasted 24 hours
that I am connected to great people in sobriety
Music as a fingerprint to my soul
4th step being the key to my freedom
that I am sleeping very well
Enrique Iglesias's New CD Insomniac
That my Vegas trip is paid for
That at the moment I am motivated and focused in school
My clean room
A/C

Washing Dishes....It ain't easy!

2007-06-07T14:17:00.000-04:00

When it comes to washing dishes and scrubbing floors, I am capable of C+ work. I just took my first test for my summer nutrition class and got a 78. Some of the topics that covered included how to properly wash dishes, scrub floors, and what could be the cause of spots on drink glasses....FUn stuff!!

Much of the stuff I have been doing lately has been around work from the Warrior Program. The 12-steps of A.A. have served as a perfect lead in to this sort of work. Recently, I have come to understand how every action I take in life has consequences/rewards. Most importantly, I have been shown how my LACK of action also has an effect on everything in my life.

What's been the most rewarding has been watching others in my Warrior Group face a.nd walk through many of their fears.

Today I am grateful for...
Uncertainty being a blessing
Gifts from my work
My fellowship and friends
Slowly detaching shame from sex
Excitement that comes from getting ready to staff a Warrior Weekend
Barnaby's/Baby Barnaby's being a place of many special moments in my sobriety (post will explain in future)
Inversion
David, Dave T, Romeo, Eric, Kevin, Lindsay, MJ, Tom K, Michael S, Ben
Spiritual Orgasms

74 days till Toni Braxton!!!!

2007-06-04T11:45:00.000-04:00

I won't be counting down like I did last time I saw Toni Braxton, but I am excited that I will be going to see her in Vegas this August!!!

I worked 11 days in a row and finally had a days off and my body is still feeling it.

I am going to a staffing meeting for the Warrior Weekend that I will be staffing in 2 weeks. I am looking forward to seeing what goes on in the other side of the weekend.

Today I am grateful for...

Energized to start my semester

Good Paycheck!!!

That being sober allows me to do and go anywhere I want

Watching Friends walking through fear

Lambda

My laptop and how it has made my schoolwork much easier

Soul Glo!!! (Coming to America)

Knocked UP (Awesome movie)

hanging out with my family this past weekend

Getting a girl's number even :)

2 yr Sobriety Bday

2007-05-26T22:58:00.000-04:00

I haven't been able to post because I have been at work almost 24/7 for the past 2 weeks..not good.

I celebrated to years of sobriety tonight. I forgot to thank a group that has been very important for my recovery...my fellow sober bloggers.

This has been a place for me to be able to connect during the times that I have been away from Lambda.

Thanks!!

Today I am grateful for...

my sober bloggers

God

My friends

My job

That I am sleeping well

Lessons learned from pain experienced

Great dinner

I feel like being dirty

2007-05-20T23:18:00.000-04:00

We have a television and dvd player at work that were given to us by a company that sells a colon cleansing product called Dual Action Cleanse. If you have been up at 2 a.m. you might have seen their infomercial.

At work, we play a 4 minute version of the commercial all day. It is one of the most annoying things ever.

In the commercial, the guy talks at great length about bowel movements, how much fecal matter you have in your body and how this fecal matter affects your health. He also talks a lot about his 4-year old daughter's dumps, specifically in relation to his own.

He never says it, but when he says "cleanse" he means "take massive, life-affirming dumps."

There competitior makes a product called "Almighty Cleanse." One of the testimonies from the ad is from one lucky customer who, on invoking the power of the lord on the behalf of his intestinal health, had a thick, black, rope-like bowel movement that he had to actually reach down and pull out with his hands.

She pulls me aside, Donald, and she says, "Something strange is happening. Can I tell you?"
And I go, "Certainly."
And she says, "This black rope was coming out of me, and I literally had to reach down and grab it and pull it out. And it was like a foot and a half long and hard like a rubber hose. Is this normal?"
I said, "Hallelujah! Praise God! You're having a healing!"

If you are having a hard time imagining, I posted a picture from this crazy ad.

Today I am grateful for...

The clarity that my sponsor brings to me

Unexpected help at work today

My Health

emails from an old friend

prayer

clean apartment

that my car is not giving me problems

my sobriety

5 days of good sleep and counting

2007-05-17T22:49:00.000-04:00

My grades for the semester were A-, B+, B+, B- I am very very pleased especially since I started the semester really depressed and didn't show up to one class for the first 2 and half months. I had a 39 average going into mid March and ended up with a B- but I had to bust my ass.

I have had one of the best weeks in sooooo long. It's amazing how amazing I have felt since I was able to stop taking sleeping pills. I am sleeping less hours and waking up refreshed and with a clear mind.

One of the hardest things I found about sobriety for me is managing all the different ways that I can "check out" from my feelings. They can be just as destructive as my drinking and drugging were.

Today I am grateful for...
Awareness that has allowed me to fully enjoy each day this week.
That my boss made personnel change at work that has made work very enjoyable again
Toni Braxton bringing 2 men together :)
the 12-steps and how they can be applied to all areas of my life
that my semester was a success
That God is in charge of the Lake Conroe trip in July
great phone conversation with Romeo this morning
that I can pick up extra shifts at work when I need them
the Astros
seeing Laura and her amazing new car today
that Lambda is my other "family"
that my mom's surgery went well

A breaktrough in an addiction

2007-05-14T16:38:00.000-04:00

Like Dave posted on my last post, "Silence is not always golden"

I have been struggling with an addiction to OTC sleeping pills for well over a year. When I was ready to get off them, I realized I couldn't so I seeked assistant from my doctor. He didn't do anything.

My reliance on these pills to sleep had become worse in the past 4-5 months affecting my school attendance, work performance, body, and mind.

This addiction had taken a physical form in my body. It felt like a concrete wall on my forehead. It was very real.

I tried to quit cold turkey last week and the withdrawal symptoms and total lack of sleep got me to a point that I went to the Emergency Room Saturday morning at the V.A. hospital. I was told that what I had been taking is non addictive, that I was just suffering from anxiety.

Yesterday, I finally opened up about it to the people close to me in my life and had agreed to go see another Doctor. When I went to bed last night, i decided to not take the pills again. I felt some anxiety. I felt that wall on my forehead.

Then I had my breaktrough, I literally felt a brick come off that wall. Slowly all the bricks fell down and I experienced a peaceful high in bed. I felt connected to my Higher Power in every way. I slept. I slept like I hadn't in over a year. I had a few tears as I realized what was going on in my head.

Opening up and being honest about something that I was very fearful about allowed God to work in that area. I slept for the fist time in over a year without the assistance of sleeping pills.
I woke up and felt a sense of clarity I hadn't felt in a long time. I woke up feeling healed.
Last night I experienced a milestone in my recovery and my spiritual life.

Today I am greateful for...
an experience last night that proves to me again how real God is
support of the people in life when I am down
Barnaby's and how it has been a place for many major moments in my sobriety
My sponsor's experience and insight
the rewards that I experience when I walk through fear
healing from pains I have experienced in the past year
promises of the program of A.A.
My warrior work
David Talbot, Romeo, Kevin White, Lindsay
the 12:15 meeting being a safe place for me

Seeking Help

2007-05-13T21:39:00.000-04:00

I opened up this weekend about an addiction that I have had that has been slowly been destructive and has involved my sleeping.
I am seeking medical help because I want the same freedom I have found with recovery and A.A. in this area of my life too.
Even though I am facing an uphill painful battle, I feel relieved.

Today I am grateful for..
David T and Romeo for being good friends tonight
My boss who many times goes above and beyond the call
Lindsay
David Daily
Seeing Kevin today
that I did my "Stretch" for the week
my mom
my dad
willingness through fear
GOD..my higher power

NO MORE COFFEE!!!

2007-05-10T23:05:00.000-04:00

Caffeine has really been affecting me again. I have no idea how people in A.A. can drink coffee at night meetings and sleep well.
I got into heavy coffee drinking in the last 2 months because of the amount of time I spent at the coffee shop doing homework.
Today was my first caffeine free day in sometime. It wasn't easy.

Today I am grateful for....
my dinner with Kevin tonight
The hard rain
laundry is done
my sobriety allows me to do anything I want in life
God
Sleeping in
my car that is paid for!!!
Toni Braxton in Vegas in August!!!
awareness
that I have learned something from each relationship I have been in

Finals are over

2007-05-09T21:46:00.000-04:00

I finished my last final this morning and it feels like a huge weight has been lifted. I don't realize the stress that a semester adds until its over.
Even though I will be taking classes in the summer, I still will have extra time on my hand. It is during these times that I am able to go to more meetings, reconnect with the fellowship and do some of the things that I really enjoy doing.

Today I am grateful for...
My current good mood I am in
my good health
Seeing Kevin tomorrow!
Seeing David today
feeling re-energized
good workout
Astros win!
Summer is here
God

Faith

2007-05-07T22:54:00.000-04:00

One of the sticking points from the movie THE SECRET for me was to picture what I want in life and not ask questions of how I am going to get them. Hmmm.... sounds like a good definition of FAITH to me.
I've have had opportunities open up in sobriety that I didn't think I was qualified for like my 1 year stint at the T.V. station. After I went in to interview for the internship at the television station, the news director got sick for 2 weeks and didn't get to interview anyone else, so i got the position. It was a unbelieavable experience for me. I've had many more things like this happen since.

This being my 2 year A.A. birthday month, I have thought back on the year and one of the things that comes back is that this has been a year of identifying what I want in life. What I want out of my career. What I want out of relationships. What I want out of life. Dreams. Dreams. Dreams. Those same dreams that were buried because of my addiction.

For some time now, I have told myself that I would buy myself a boat when I graduated from college. I don't know how it's going to happen, but I have that goal

Today I am grateful for...
experience that comes from not drinking each day
David
Kevin
God
My job
That I did well on my final this morning
realizing when someone is not "emotionally available"
Taking action on increased awareness
That my medical needs are all taken care of
all my different fellowships
feeling alive
my mom & dad

New Behavior

2007-05-06T23:23:00.000-04:00

Recently my sponsor pointed out something about a situation that I am in..

Having a friendship with someone that I was really attracted to

New behavior! As part of some work that I am doing outside of Lambda, I signed an ethics agreement not to enter a new business/romantic relationship with anyone from the program for 6 months...It is kinda like what is suggested in A.A. about not dating in the first year.

I slept like a baby last night and felt great all day so

Today I am grateful for...
a great night of sleep
my breakfast at Einstein Bros
Seeing Dave U this morning and Dave T on Tuesday....lol
David
Kevin
Finals are finally here
My job
great A.A. meeting
compliments

Not much going on in the last few days

2007-05-06T00:03:00.000-04:00

Damn...the Rockets just got eliminated a few seconds ago...
I haven't had much to post in the past few days. I have been getting ready for finals next week and haven't slept much in the past 2 days, so I spent the day on the couch resting the body. I don't slow down enough and usually get burnt out every once in a while.

Today I am grateful for...
Wonderful conversation with Kevin today
my rest
having everything that I need in life
Seeing Dave this Tuesday
New friends
God
my dad
my apartment is very very clean!!
my new work schedule
my sobriety

I-Group

2007-05-01T16:34:00.000-04:00

I am waiting to go to my I-group tonight. I-group is the group of guys that went through the Warrior with me a few weeks ago and it meets once a week for 8 weeks. It is where we learn to intergrate what we have learned through the process into our daily life. I kinda like it to call the whole process a "physical 12-steps"
In so many ways it very different than the work that I have done in A.A. and in so many ways it is very similar.
For me it has become necessary in order to keep my "program" fresh and working. Who knows what I may have to do this time next year. What I have learned in a little bit of time is that there isn't such thing as the perfect routine when it comes to my sobriety. I am constantly having to change or my disease will get me.

Tools that I have:
God
Sponsor
Fellowship
Lambda
Phone
My blog
Other Sober blogs
Meditation
Prayer
Gut Feeling
Experience
I-group
Exercise
Big Book
Meetings
Service work
Playing the Tape
Halt
Therapist

Houston Buyers Club is haunted..not really..blessed

2007-04-29T23:30:00.000-04:00

There is something amazing that happens at my work often...
Many times, I will run into a product in the store that is out of place, new to me, etc....It sticks out in my mind. I usually will go and learn something about it on the spot. The weird thing is that most of the time, someone will come in minutes later and ask for that product or ask me something about it. It is a "coincidence" that has occured so many times at work.
The same thing often happens when i think about someone or someone's name is mentioned at work. That person will usually come by later in the day..

I truly believe that God is watching over that store and helping us out daily. The store gives back to the community. It is a non-profit. It has grown 20% every year for 11-12 years now.

For those that don't know, I work at Houston Buyers Club...a non-profit that serves people living with chronic illness. For info visit houstonbuyersclub.com

Today I am grateful for..
the amazing people in my life today
Lambda
My birthday month coming up
David
Breakfast with Kevin
Honesty
My job
My health
That my semester has turned out much better than how it started
Momentum in life
God

Hazelwood Act

2007-04-26T23:06:00.000-04:00

I panicked at the beginning of the semester because my G.I. Bill money had ran out and money was going to be real tight...
I was quickly falling into debt by taking out school loans. 2 weeks ago I remembered about this thing called the Hazelwood Act. It allows Texas Veterans of Armed Forces to go to school free of tuition and fees for up to 150 semester hours. There is no time limit on when to take the hours.
I had to jump through some hoops to prove that I was a Texas resident when I went into the Army, but got everything approved...I am very very grateful for this
Because I only have 18 hours left to graduate (6 in summer, 12 in fall) I am seriously considering pursuing a Master and maybe a PHD at my own pace since the only thing I have to worry about is paying for books.

Today I am grateful for...
Having done most of my schoolwork ahead of time
the most beautiful weather in houston today
my weekend plans
I-group
talking to dustyn the other day
text messages that keep me uptodate on my friends
my new set of friends
God
my sobriety

New Warrior Graduation

2007-04-20T23:34:00.000-04:00

So I got in too late last night to post about my Warrior Graduation.

There were a lot of guys from Lambda there last night. It really has been one of the best things I have done in my life. Working the 12-steps before doing the weekend really helped out for me. Doing the weekend helped me get out of a funk that I have been in since January.

I didn't get out of the weekend what I was expecting. I guess the Universe saw my needs to be different, and that is o.k. I rarely know what's best for me anyways.

Today I am grateful for...

My sobriety

2 weeks till semester is over

That it looks like I will graduating in December

A beautiful day

Taking care of myself tonight (HALT)

God

Lambda

Warrior Brothers

Feeling Connected

Focus on what i Have

2007-04-18T23:59:00.000-04:00

I got an email from my Dad yesterday saying he won't attend my Warrior Graduation because of the gay issue. He did it in a respectful manner.

This invitation was a little more than an invitation to a graduation, it was an invitation into my life. I am having so many wonderful things happen because of sobriety and he hasn't been a part of it. I am celebrating 2 years next month and at least this has taken the guessing game out of inviting him to Lambda for birthday night.

Dave posted a quote about Love that said to focus on the love that I am getting and not on the one I am not. I am going into my graduation doing so. It is one of the first times in my life that I have been able to focus on people that are there for me and stop chasing the ones that can't be.

Today I am grateful for...
My family
My sobriety
Talking with Dave on phone tonight.
My text message from Hays
My sponsor
Seeing Kevin at work
The pink cloud I am on right now
My job
That the semester is nearing an end

Need a Job?

2007-04-17T15:19:00.000-04:00

The turning point

2007-04-16T23:48:00.000-04:00

Sobriety has given me the chance to get to many turning points in my life. Today I reached another one.
I met a young gay man and his father this weekend during my New Warrior Training. They had something that I wanted.
I have had so many wonderful experiences in sobriety and haven't been able to share them with my family because of the gay thing.
Very long story made short...I invited my parents and let them know that there will be other gay men there. God gave me a clear sign right before doing so that allowed me do so in faith. The sign isn't necessarily an indication that things will work out the way I want them, it is more of a sign to hand over the situation to my Higher Power. I might not get what I want, and that is o.k.

Today I am grateful for...
Continual gifts from my New Warrior Experience
That my work in sobriety had prepared me to tackle the Warrior weekend
The fellowship of A.A.
A great sponsor
A great new mentor
Lunch
Another pretty day
Awareness that leads to faith

New Warrior Weekend

2007-04-15T22:30:00.000-04:00

So I completed the New Warrior Training Weekend and the experience was amazing. It happened when it was supposed to in my life. It expanded on a lot that I learned by working the 12-steps..
As I went through the process, I didn't know or have a feeling of what I was getting out of it. It wasn't until the end that I realized that I got out of it a lot of gifts that I wasn't expecting. The program helped address areas of my life that I din't know where problem areas.
I went to the 7 oclock meeting at Lambda and I was in awe how the weekend came together at the meeting for me. Things that I heard at the meeting tonight had new meaning for me. My higher power has been very present for me this weekend...It's real.

Today I am grateful for....
My weekend experience
New Energy
David D
David U
Tom my roomate
Kevin White
Peace
Willingness
God

This is a "spammer" blog

2007-04-12T19:48:00.000-04:00

For anyone that might have wondered about this blog...It was determined by Blogger that my blog was a "Spammer" Blog and they took away my access and then shut it down..I had to contact them and request that they re-examine my blog...The last thing I have time for is to be spamming people.

Anyways, I am headed out tomorrow for the New Warrior Training Adventure....I don't know what to say about it because I have no clue what goes on other than it is supposed to be a very positive experience. WWW.MKP.ORG is their website...

ON A VERY POSITIVE NOTE!!! I only have 18 hours before I graduate. I will take 6 this semester and 12 more in fall. Hopefully I will finally earn my Bachelors...It has taken me 10 freakin years

Today I am grateful for...
Being able to participate in the New Warrior Program
Help that I received financially from an anonymous person to help pay for tuition
Hazelwood Act (Pays for tuition for Texas Veterans that have exhausted G.I. Bill money)
David
Hays
MJ
Feeling re-energized
God
Mikey's email
My sobriety
My family

Xtina Concert

2007-02-21T01:03:00.000-05:00

I went to the Christina Aguilera SHow tonight and got FRONT ROW tickets 1 hour before showtime. I was able to get my sponsor and his bf to go and take the tickets that I had which were pretty darned good. I ended up going with Lindsay who is one of my best friends from working at the store.... SHE was sooooooooooo much better than expected.

Today I am grateful for...
Getting an awesome show experience with a good friend
Dustyn
Matthew
My sponsor
Getting my 4th step done
God
Feeling strong ever though a little under weather

God carrying me through

2007-02-16T22:24:00.000-05:00

If there is something that I have come to experience in sobriety is that even during hard times, something wonderful can happen. I can come out stronger and with more experience. More importantly, it is during tough times that God really shows his presence.

I have no doubt that what I am experiencing at the moment is God carrying me through some pain. I experienced this same feeling 6 months into my sobriety when I made the decision to finally move out of my partner's apartment. It was much easier than expected...because God was carrying me through it.

Today I am grateful for...
the best day I have had in a very long time
3rd step
Dustyn
Hays
Matthew
David
My sobriety
My new webcam to see loved ones!!!!

2nd and 3rd step tomorrow

2007-02-14T23:51:00.000-05:00

I will be doing the 2nd and 3rd step with my sponsor tomorrow at Rothko Chapel.
As part of my 2nd step, my sponsor has me answering the question, "Do I think God is big enough to take care of what I am going through?" I know he is.
I started praying for God to carry me through the things I am going through. The next morning after saying this prayer for the first time, I got my sense of humor and joy back. I spent it text messaging my sponsor some crazy crazy jokes and getting a huge laugh. The laughter was healing.

Today I am grateful for....
time spent with Matthew yesterday
my sponsor
Great day of work.
SLowly getting my head back in school
Serenity returning
my health
2 nd step...my favorite one
rothko chapel
meetings

back to step 1

2007-02-12T23:52:00.000-05:00

Life has brought me back to doing the steps starting with step one. Areas of my life have become unmanageable and me and my sponsor are doing some step work on it. I just finished the first step tonight...

I was in a car accident today. A hispanic family hit me from behind. I let them go without exchanging information. They were very nice and had newborn twins. I didn't think that the damage to my car was worth making a claim. My car isn't all that. I did discover later on that the damage was worse than expected, but I am still satisfied with my decision to walk away

Today I am grateful for....
The care I get at the V.A.
my sponsor
getting to class in time
the steps
seeing Matthew tomorrow
seeing Lindsay next week
Dustyn
my health
my job
my parents
getting back in a meeting
GOD

Today I got the help I needed

2007-02-08T22:58:00.000-05:00

I've had to do something today that I have been avoiding for months and months now. I saw a doctor about what is becoming an intolerable insomnia that has gotten much worse in the past week.
I already suffer from sleep apnea (Breathings stops during sleep) that makes the quality of my sleep much worse.
My lack of sleep is affecting my school work. I am not making it to my morning class. I am also not going to meetings because I feel like I am half present. It almost feels like coming down from drugs.
The breaking point was when I almost felt like having an outburst at work this morning. We had a meeting at 7a.m. and I had gotten very little sleep. I felt angry and victimized for having to be there so early.
After discussing things that are going on around me at the moment, the doctor has put me on a sleep aid temporarily and will continue to monitor things.
As things got worse this week I was feeling guilty about wanting to get help because of the stigma that it may bring in recovery, but my friend from the program Dani reminded me that what is wrong for one person may be right for another.
I feel relieved that I have hope of getting a good night of sleep tonight. My body and mind need it.

Today I am grateful for....
Ability to see a doctor
A job that I really love
My connection with my Higher Power slowly coming back
Dustyn
David
My Family
Journaling....especially when things are not going so well
Beautiful people God has put in my life
Choices

Snoozefest

2007-02-05T21:45:00.000-05:00

So I woke up at 3 a.m. and couldn't got back to sleep. I stayed in bed desperately trying to fall back asleep with no success. So I got about 4 and half hours of sleep last night.

So it was fitting today that for my 3-hour long class today we would watch a movie. Not just any movie though. The movie was
1. made in 1924
2. silent (no words)
3. black and white
4. 2 1/2 hours long (didn't know they were that long back then)
5. this is the worst part....we watched it in the dark

Having to stay awake for this snoozefest was life's biggest challenge to date!!

Today I am grateful for...
bedtime
being able to write a poem/song
God
not falling asleep in class
getting groceries
more Luther Vandross music
Dustyn's daily calls
David
my family

roller coaster of emotions

2007-02-04T22:52:00.000-05:00

For the past week I have felt like a newly sober newcomer.....a roller coaster of emotions. I have experienced sad, happy, unsecure, lonely, joyous and so on... At least I haven't felt hopeless. That feeling disappeared a long time ago.

Today I am grateful for....
Colts winning SuperBowl
Good breakfast with some friends
Getting a workout in
Getting some school work done
David
Dustyn
time to lounge around
my laptop
God

My sponsor's bellybutton b-day (He's on left)

2007-02-04T01:02:00.000-05:00

I went to my sponsor's surprise birthday dinner tonight. I have known him for almost 3 years now. No one knows me better than him. He knows my tendencies, secrets, desires, strengths, and weaknesses. He is someone that gives freely of his time, and he gives lots of it.
Like someone recently described him, "He's the healthiest person" I have ever met.
Tonight, I just sat back and watched him interact with someone he's in love with. Someone, he's only known for a month (There is no timetable on falling in love). In the few years I have known him, I have seen him with some guys that have made me think, "Man, he deserves so much better." Tonight, I got to watch someone I dearly love, in love and very happy.
In the short time that I have been sober, I have come to the conclusion that the pool of available guys to date is very very slim. I see many people relapse constantly pursuing unhealthy relationship/guys. It can be frustrating. But I believe that if someone continues living a life of honesty, soul searching, and of service to others, then God is able to deliver someone that will totally sweep us away. I attract exactly what I put out. Sotmetimes it's good. Sometimes it's not.
Being sober's biggest challenge has been dealing with emotions and feelings that for a long time I have drowned with alcohol and drugs. The reward is being present for a feeling called LOVE. I am there now. I am there for today.First time in a very long time. First time sober.

Today I am grateful for....
being a part of one of the world's largest fellowships
time to journal
Luther Vandross Music
God
Dustyn
David
My family's continual financial support through school
Good day at work
Having choices in life
my sobriety

flight attendant

2007-02-02T21:33:00.000-05:00

I have been in college since 1998. I was going on the G.I. Bill. I wasted much of that money and time during my addiction and didn't accomplish much in college. It wasn't until I got sober that I have made progress in college. I am currently year to year and half from graduating. My G.I. Bill money ran out this past September. That is 1000 dollars less a month that I am without. That equeals half as much a month to live on. I had to take out loans for this past year and real quickly I am falling heavily back into debt.

I applied to be a flight attendant yesterday and already got an interview. I don't recall having this conversation with my sponsor, but he says that I had told him that flying was one thing I wanted to do in the future. That's true, but it was so far in the back of my mind that I almost forgot about that desire.

Anyways, there is also a boy involved that was a motivating factor, but not my sole and primary reason. Someone told me yesterday that my higher power might have used him to get me out of my comfort zone and step out in faith. We will see.

Today I am grateful for....
not isolating today
good workout
dustyn
david
God
my family
a timely phone call during work
seeing Dave at work
getting back into a routine

missing out on a meeting wasn't a good idea

2007-01-30T22:18:00.000-05:00

A week into the semester, I found out that none of the 4 classes that I was enrolled in this semester counted towards my degree. As a result, I was dropped from those classes and sign up for whatever was still available. It worked out in my favor, schedule-wise, but I am already behind. I have my first major exam tomorrow in my Nutrition class. I spent the whole day studying. I took a break to exercise.

I made a mistake at night though, I decided to stay home to go to sleep early (my exam is at 8 a.m.) rather than going to a meeting. I got depressed during the time I should have been in a meeting. I had no contact with people all day what so ever. I have to make up for it in the next few days. I am still learning to balance school, work, sobriety.

Today I am grateful for....
the time I needed to study
chatting with Shane briefly tonight
God
My sponsor
Awareness of where I am at
Dustyn
David
my family
breakfast tomorrow morning

I'm not dead

2007-01-29T19:38:00.002-05:00

So it's time for me to get back to blogging.
I stopped doing so during the holidays. First, I had nothing to write about. The holidays were very lonely and quiet this year. Second, I guess I was reaching blogger burn out.

I started school again. What used to baffle me in the past (heavy schedule, coursework, change), now seems very routine. I have a very good schedule for school and work. I should be able to up my meetings and study time. 2 of my 4 classes are either online or outside research, so I have plenty of available time.

I am also a lot closer to graduating than I thought. I could be done by next Xmas!!! Which brings me to start thinking about what I will do after graduation.
First, I decided to minor in Nutrition and will probably seek a Master in that field. T.V. is probably not for me anymore. Second, I have fallen for someone that has moved away. Even though I am trying to take it one day at a time and stay realistic, moving after graduation could be a posibility. So much can happen in a year..heck, even a month. I have done the long distance relationship thing twice in the past, and told myself I wouldn't put myself throgh this again. Easier said than done when the heart is involved.

Today I am grateful for...
Sober Time = More Life Experience
My Higher Power...that I have neglected lately
David
Dustyn!
My family
That my finances are in check
The feeling of love

Emotionally Attached

2006-12-13T12:57:00.000-05:00

I got emotionally attached to a newcomer and it drove me nuts. I have always said that the reason newcomers shouldn't date in the first year was to protect the old timers. They are the ones that always get hurt. I now believe it.
I wasn't able to understand the insanity of it when I was in the middle of it, but now that I have processed it with my sponsor, I know this: I am still crazy :)

I dated very shortly after getting sober and It was the other guy who got hurt. I felt really bad about it, but I also felt trapped. There wasn't much room to grow or to get to know myself
It is not all bad. When a door closes a few more open and that is the case right now. If only I can turn the results over to my Higher Power.

Today I am grateful that....
I took my last final this morning
I have a great concert to look forward to this weekend
Overjoyed-Stevie wonder
Experience that comes with longer sobriety
WOnderful weather
God
My sponsor
Intutively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us

Houston Buyers Club

2006-12-02T20:52:00.000-05:00

Picks are from a Tree Trimming Party I went to Thursday night.

I work at a place called The Houston Buyers Club. It is a 501K non-profit. We offer cheap supplements and we are open to the public. We help people dealing with chronic illness manage side effects that happen as a result of some of the medications. We help many people receive free supplements that could normally not afford them. We also help educate people about different conditions and alternative treatment options. We have been around for 11 years and each year we continue to grow, but at the moment we are not doing well financially. Please say a prayer for us, or better yet visit our website and buy your self some vitamins :)http://houstonbuyersclub.com

Music is the soundtrack of our life

2006-11-28T22:37:00.000-05:00

I did something a little interesting today. I put together a cd of music of the most meaningful songs of my life. Songs that evoke strong emotions or memories. I was only able to put 16 songs on a cd. I started with a list of about songs and started to narrow it down.
What I found when I finished was that many of the songs that ended up on the CD were songs that evoked painful memories. Lots of break up songs. Lots of sad songs. There were a few uplifting songs, but those were mostly spiritual and recent.
What I learned about this was something that I already expected...my life was a mess for a long time, especially during my drinking years. I made 18 months today, so I don't have much sober history yet. I am hoping that if I was to do this little experiment again in 5 years there will be a lot more positive songs on it.

Today I am grateful for...
being able to make 2 meetings
fellowship
that one class is over and 3 left
That I might not have to retake a class
God
Making an amend
Beautiful weather
growing up in public

Time to update

2006-11-27T22:24:00.000-05:00

I needed to take a break from this blog for a bit and change my routine (tools) at night. This blog was working for me at the time so I tried different things. I did more meditating and silencing my mind.

First of all, Since I have been taking coconut oil, I haven't gotten sick. With my immune problems, I usually get sick at the first change of weather. I feel better than I have ever felt. The stuff is amazing.

This past weekend was the Houston RoundUp and it was the best time. There is something about spending a whole weekend with my extended family. It is one thing to spend a few hours a week with my fellowship, but to spend the whole weekend is something special.

A while back I saw a psychic and the things that she said have been coming true, especially this past weekend. I ran next door and saw her again. She again talked in VERY DETAIL about things that are going on in my life. I screamed like a woman in disbelief.

2006 has been a great year. 2007 will be even better.

Today I am grateful for....
Service work
That finals are here and I am READY!!
that my health is great
my parents
my sponsor
Dustyn
Joshua
God
Meat Loaf's Music

Beer truck

2006-11-07T17:06:00.000-05:00

I was looking around on Myspace.com and saw a comment someone left their friend. I just had to copy it and paste it here.....

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

...BEER TRUCK.......... '";, ___.

_..._..._______====___..., ] -

"(@)'(@)"""''"**(@)(@)*****''(@)

ONCE YOU'VE BEEN HIT, YOU HAVE TO HIT 12 ALCOHOLICS, INCLUDING WHO SENT IT TO U IF YOU GET HIT AGAIN YOU'LL KNOW YOU REALLY HAVE A PROBLEM! IF YOU BRAKE THE CHAIN, YOU'LL BE CURSED WITH 5 YEARS OF NEVER BEING ABLE TO HAVE A GOOD TIME! SO PASS IT ON. HIT WHO EVER YOU THINK IS AN ALCOHOLIC, OR JUST ENJOYS A GOOD TIME!!

2nd promise says I will not regret the past

2006-11-05T00:01:00.000-05:00

I was able to tell my story tonight, and what I didn't realize going in was that there would be some healing for me as part of the process.
It was my first time telling it and what I found was that I got in touch with many emotions that I had either buried or had forgotten about. I didn't sleep much the night before so my head was all over the place a bit, but in the end I felt a sense of love from my higher power and the group and that lead to gratitude.
I will not regret the past or wish to shut the door on it.

Today I am grateful for...
Alcoholics Anonymous
God
My sponsor
Freedom of the past
leading the CMA meeting afterwards helped me get over my raw feeling I had afterwards
Faith
my sobriety
Lindsay
Bloggers

Connected

2006-10-29T22:33:00.000-05:00

I really really love where I am right now. I say that because I think my connection with God right now is the best it has been in some time. I know that it all goes in circles. Some times I feel connected and some times I don't. I think this is happening right now because I have been seeking him more at the moment.

Today I am grateful for....
The holiday seasone being here
Beautiful day
Good meeting tonight
getting a good workout in this morning
Seeing my sponsor pick up his 10 year chip
Having my sponsor go to a CMA meeting last night with me
Service work and how it keeps me in the middle

Attached to outcome

2006-10-26T22:45:00.000-04:00

I skipped school today because
a) I had pushed my body to the limit
b) I had a lot of homework to do

I went to the 12:15 meeting. The topic was character defects. This is my take on them...

My character defects left on their own, block from God's will for me (To be happy, joyous, and free). They put me in situations that I have to back and make amends for. One of my biggest character defects has always been trying to please others and not myself. I don't tend to speak up when I should and it all stays with me. I learned recently that when I have to make an amend for something I did, I can't be attached to the outcome. I am making an amend to clean my side of the street. When I go in more interested in how the person will receive my amend, I am back to that character defect of wanting to please. I am powerless over how they receive my amend. Many times easier said than done...

Today I am grateful for....
Taking care of my body..rest
Making a meeting
Getting my homework done even if it took all day
lunch
my job
How Coconut Oil is helping me
God
My meditations this week.

"What a coincidence"

2006-10-24T23:20:00.000-04:00

I had a using memory/dream last night. It was a memory because it was a dream of when I used to drink in the military. In my dream I remembered through my sense of smell. I smelled all over again the places I would drink at like my room in the barracks.
I believe I had this dream because I was thinking back on things to tell in my story. My sponsor said I should turn this over and trust God that what comes out of my mouth that night, is what it is supposed to happen. So I am turning it over tonight and not going to write about it anymore.

Today was a day that I had no doubt that God was in charge. I ended up doing things I had planned on, like helping a newcomer with his job search. I got to see things fall into place for the newcomer. At one time he even said, "what a coincidence"...We know better. I love watching God work in newcomers' lives.

Today I am grateful for...
being the observant
my classes
very productive day
getting all my studies in too
energy
12:15 meeting
Meditation
David D. My sponsor

Any reasonable A.A. request

2006-10-23T22:52:00.000-04:00

Sunday, I was relieved that the Drag Auction was over when something new came up to obsess about. I was asked to tell my story at Lambda for Saturday night live. That put a huge knot in my stomach. Out of all the crazy things I have been able to do in sobriety, this by far is the scariest. One of the reasons is the ego telling me that my story is somehow different than everyone else's, but I know it is not. It if it has a name, then it has been done before.

Today I am grateful for...
Getting through my day even if I was a little under the weather
My job
Tina Turner
being ready for exam #2 in the class I am taking for the 3rd time
Coconut Oil
12th step work
going to bed early tonight

Queen Coco Pics from Drag Auction

2006-10-22T01:15:00.000-04:00

The QUEEN is coming in 9 days!!

2006-10-12T22:44:00.000-04:00

Rumors are that Queen Coco of the Island of Wakanuga will be coming to the U.S. real soon. While no one has ever seen the Queen before, stories of her existence have been around for years. Queen Coco is set to make her first stop with her entourage
at Lambda in 9 days!

Weather high

2006-10-11T20:47:00.000-04:00

It is amazing how the weather can affect people's energy levels and mood. The 12:15 meeting on Tuesday was very down and people were very mellow. The guy in front of me fell asleep during the meeting.
Today, the weather was great. I found myself full of energy and smiling for no reason. I was on a very good natural high. I had to thank God several times. I enjoyed every second of it.

Today I am grateful for....
The Houston Roundup getting closer and closer
Great Workout
Great eating all day
My frame of mind
seeing Josh at work
fellow bloggers
my sobriety
That my school semester is halfway over and it is going well
H.P.

Yummy Coconut Oil

2006-10-09T23:37:00.000-04:00

A customer at my health foods store said something that has always stuck with me, "Faith in natural supplements/herbs is faith that God has provided everything on this Earth that we need to stay healthy and live long."

I really love my job. My motivation to learn as much as I can is my HIV. Sobriety has given me a second chance at life, and I want to do everything I can to stay healty spiritually, mentally, and physically. I feel better today than I have ever felt, and a lot of that has to do with the things I am putting in my body.

2 weeks ago we attende a class and one of the things that was discussed was Coconut Oil and all the benefits which include

Help you reduce weight, or maintain your present ideal weight
Reduce the risk of heart disease
Prevent disease and routine illness with its powerful antibacterial, antiviral and antifungal agents
Increase metabolism, and promote healthy thyroid function
Boost your daily energy
Rejuvenate your skin and prevent wrinkles

I have been using it now for 2 weeks and the stuff is amazing especially on the skin. I have been applying it all over my body and it has made my skin very soft. It is awesome to cook with. It is the healthiest of all fats....it is good fat.

Come into my store and you will see how excited all of us are over this product. YOu can eat it by the spoonful too.

Today I am grateful for...

Idea for Drag Auction

Dress for Drag Auction..thanks Joe A

David D

12:15 meeting

God

Melody

RAW

2006-10-07T22:19:00.000-04:00

RAW....that is how I answered when my sponsor asked me yesterday how I am doing.
At the moment, I am intouch with my emotions, and there good and bad ones.
I am still trying to process everything that happened with the psychic/massage therapist.
I have held on to anger over some heartbreak that I experienced this summer. The first words out of the psychic's mouths were, "You have had your heart broken recently" It felt like someone pulled the plug out from me.
It has now been 48 hours since I have seen her and I feel RAW, but I think the healing has begun, FINALLY.
When you lose a part of you, you fill it with GOD.

Friday was a great way to begin this Healing process. My little brother came into town to go see John Mayer/Sheryl Crowe in Concert with me. We were feet away from the stage. We left during Sheryl Crowe's performance. She wasn't that good. You couldn't hear her too well and we were just a few feet away.
We then met up with my coworker and her bf and went to dancing atSOuth Beach. IT was my little brother's first trip to a gay bar....my 1,345,245 time lol.
I had the best time with my brother yesterday. All my problems disappeared.

Today I am grateful for....
being able to do little things I enjoy today
Seeing my brother Orlando yesterday
Great seats for concert
Music that speaks to my soul
God...he's carrying me
that my problems today are minor compared to my days of using/drinking
my sponsor
my family

...so worth it

2006-10-05T23:56:00.000-04:00

This post is really for me.

Today my mind, body, and soul were all hurting. Something was wrong early on and I didn't know what. Luckily, my class was cancelled and I had all day to work on this.
To take care of my mind, I went to the 12;15 meeting today. It helped, but I was still hurting. I had no energy and felt disconnected from everything.
I felt this pain crawling down my back all day. It was getting worse. I was getting desperate. I tried getting a massage scheduled but it was at the last minute and everyone was booked.
I then went on to meet with a friend from the program for coffee. We ended up going to see a psychic afterwards.
What she told me was right on the money....That my heart had been broken very recently. She went on to talk about things in very detailed fashion. She was on the money.

She also said I would meet somebody in the last 3 weeks of November. She said this guy was going to sweep me away like no one had done in a very long time. She said that he was very special and I would quickly realize that. She described him as tall and very handsome. She said that I would fall for this guy, if I was willing to trust love . She said I don't trust love...very true. This to me is scary and exciting considering that I haven't been in love with anyone since 1998.

She ended it by talking about God and the was going to be there in it all.
I got home feeling much better about things, but my body still ached. The meeting took care of the mind. The psychic took care of the soul, but I was still needing to heal my body.

Right before I went to bed, I got a call from a massage therapist. I went in and got my massage. He started to say many of the things that I had just heard from the psychic..."Spiritual Talk"

As I drove home from the massage, something happened. I broke down and cried in my car. At that moment, it all made sense to me. The person she was talking about was me. Can I overcome fear and begin to really love myself? God knows I haven't let too many people close enough to love me.
I was in denial for some time about my broken heart and the pain that I have been holding in. I am hoping this is what I needed to be able to let go and let God.

THis journey that I am on is so worth it.

Sleep less

2006-10-04T08:58:00.000-04:00

God, I think this is a first for me...a morning post.
One of the Conversations with God books says that wise people sleep less than others. That explains why as people age they sleep less. They have more life experiences than young folks. I am happy to report that I woke up at 6 this morning for no reason :) That is early for me. I cleaned my apartment ate a good breakfast, and now I am getting ready to walk out to school..

I had a tarot card reading done this weekend for fun. It talked about things that happened to me this summer and where I am at today. It was on the money. What kinda freacked me out is that it gave me a set of dates in October-November that something of importance would happen. What is freaky is that I had something planned for those dates. We will see what happens

Today I am grateful for...
An impromptu brainstorming session at lunch yesterday
Physically getting through yesterday
Learning to restart my day when it is not going well
My sponsor
Meeting yesterday
Text Messages being sent to the right people
God
My health

12 steps coming to life

2006-10-01T23:17:00.000-04:00

For each of the 12 steps, it seems like I have been going through something at the time that makes each step "come to life." Something that helps me understand the stepwork and how it applies in my life.
I am on the 12th step, and it hasn't been any different with this step.
I have found myself very isolated for many reasons and the best thing that has happened for me and my sobriety has been situations that God has put in front of me to be of service to other alcoholics. It has gotten me out of myself.
I am very grateful that I have been taught the solution...

Today I am grateful for...
My sponsor celebrating 10 years today
the 2nd promise
a clean apartment
the meeting that showed once again that God is in all of it
my tarot card reading
Serenity
that this semester is going really well
My sobriety
My dad
God

When the Saints go Marching in!!

2006-09-26T17:13:00.000-04:00

First of all, my internet/computer problems should be long gone. I got a new computer and signed up for Road Runner Internet. We no longer have to rely on the shitty free service that the apartment provides.

If you see me around this week, you might notice a huge smile on my face. The team that I grew up watching in New Orleans, the Saints, returned home to the Superdome after being displaced by Hurricane Katrina last year. I fought back tears several times as I watched the ESPN pre-game coverage last night. I havent lived in New Orleans since 94, but my heart is still with the city and will always be with the team.

For outsiders, it can be a little difficult to understand how that team can have such an impact on the people from New Orleans. The entire season is sold out. That is amazing considering how poor the state is and how many people are currently living there. There are people who don't have jobs yet bought season tickets. That is crazy.

Anyways, the game last night, which the Saints won, is proof that for last night the football Gods were smiling down on New Orleans.

Today I am grateful for....

A memorable game/experience last night

My new computer

Watching the game with my dad last night

Semester going well

My sobriety

Not taking myself seriously

When the Saints go Marching in!!

2006-09-26T00:11:00.000-04:00

If you see me around this week, you might notice a big smile on my face.
Tonight has been a very special night.
The New Orleans Saints played in the Superdome for the first time since Katrina and manhandled the hot Atlanta Falcons.
As I watched several hours of pre-game coverage, I fought back some tears. Even though I haven't lived in New Orleans since 94, my heart is still with the city and especially with the Saints.
The football Gods are smiling down on New Orleans tonight...

Tonight I am grateful for....
New Orleans Saints Football back at home
A huge victory
my sobriety
A great meeting today
my new laptop
watching the game with my dad

My brother-Javier

2006-09-12T22:52:00.000-04:00

I have been soooooo busy this week. I have just collapsed in bed each night. I wanted to post a picture that I took with my brother today. He lives in Amsterdam where he works for a company that makes video games. I haven't seen him in a few years. He has lost a loooooooot of weight. I am so happy for him.

Today I am grateful for...

My brother living HIS dream

Purpose

School

J.J. celebrating a belly buttom birthday!!!

BAT OUT OF HELL 3 due out OCT 31

2006-09-09T21:00:00.000-04:00

One of my 3 favorite male singers is back with a new album on Halloween!!!!
The first single/video is Jim Steinman's "It's All Coming Back to Me" previosly done by Celine.
Here is the video....I am so freakin excited!!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dkEE9zuSUHM

Computer Glitches once again

2006-09-07T21:48:00.000-04:00

Today I am grateful for....

Positive meeting at work early early early this morning

Strength to get through the day.

NFL football Season has started

I am sober

Computer working tonight...it hasn't been working(internet) well this week again

wreckage all cleaned up

2006-09-05T22:43:00.000-04:00

It has taken me 2 years to clean up wreckage that has prevented me from being 100% legal on the road. Today that has happened. I feel like I should be congratulated for what normal people do daily, but hey I can drive with a peace of mind.

Today I am grateful for....
Everything that I needed to clear up my record (money and lots of it)
Cool weather
Lots of food in the fridge
Awareness that I am not as connected as I wish to be at the moment
Finishing the 12 steps soon...1st time around and not the last
newcomers
going to sleep early

A hundred dollars

2006-09-03T23:28:00.000-04:00

I forget my worth at times.
Even when a hundred dollar bill gets crushed, folded, stomped on, torn, and worn at times, it never loses its value.
That is how god created me....full of worth and value.
I forget that at times. I am glad I was reminded today.

I celebrated my birthday tonight. Seven days after, but better than I could have imagined.

Today I am grateful for....
Baby steps
David and Derrick
Strength
Yesterday's Obstacles
Tomorrow's Challenges
Seeing my brother very soon
My good health
GOD

G.I. God

2006-09-02T17:48:00.000-04:00

What did I painfully learn this week?

2006-09-01T23:04:00.000-04:00

I carry with me to new relationships (romantic or not) any emotions and issues that I have not dealt with from the past.

Damn....it has taken me 30 years to finally see this...

Today I am grateful for...
my sobriety
Very peaceful mindset today
License Renewed today
Willingness
Groceries
slowly willing to make mistakes (Fear)
My nice bed
Seeing my brother from Amsterdam soon

Heart of the Matter

2006-08-31T23:41:00.000-04:00

It has been one of the most painful and difficult weeks that I have had recently in sobriety. I was driving to school in the morning earlier this week and was playing Don Henley's The Heart of the Matter when these words caught my attention...

"There are people in your life whove come and gone. They let you down you know they hurt your prideYou better put it all behind you baby; life goes onYou keep carryin that anger; it'll eat you up inside, baby. Ive been trying to get downTo the heart of the matterBut my will gets weakAnd my thought seem to scatterBut I think its about forgiveness"

I have played this song a million times this week......

My sponsor pointed out how the anger and pain that I have been feeling this week has quickly affected my physical body.

He gave me some work to do. I got to work on it quickly. I didn't see how it was helping me, but I had to trust him and the process.

I can say that today I am doing a lot better.

The gifts of the program are so valuable when life throws me a curve ball. It has been an experience I will never forget. It is only a waste of time if I don't learn anything from it.

Today I am grateful for....

knowing that for the most part it is much easier growing up in front of people of the program than outside

My sponsor

God walking me through it all

willingness to finally take action

"Reason, Season, Lifetime"

Fellow Bloggers whose quotes have been of huge help this week

the power of music

tomorrow's challenges

Spankfest 2006 at Ripcord

2006-08-30T18:32:00.000-04:00

Word is Spankfest 2006 at the Ripcord was a huge success. I didn't get to go but by the looks of things people were so excited.... they couldn't sit down!

It is one day at a time

2006-08-28T22:46:00.000-04:00

I experienced some of the healing that I needed today where else but at a meeting. For an hour I was able to sit back listen to others and slowly I received some of the solutions that I needed to bring me back to a place of serenity. It included taking some action.

I am so grateful tonight that I am a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. So many times, it is pain and hard times that I really see gift of it all. That new sense of awareness makes it easier to see the blessing when things are not going like I used to.

God thanks for sobriety today.

Ricky!!!

I never thought I would make it to 30

2006-08-27T21:38:00.000-04:00

What I was hoping to be something special today turned into a big painful letdown.

In 2 months I have been in 2 relationships. In the first one, there were issues of infidelity. In this second one, I think drugs are involved. I am a little worn out with the relationship thing at this moment. It takes much work. I don't need to be in either of these situations. The program of Alcoholics Anonymous has taught me that I can do be than that.

I am a little angry and in pain tonight, but in God I put my worries.

I think I need to focus on my sobriety, studies, and God for the time being.

Today I am grateful for.....
Not having to pick up a drink or drug
Not wanting to pick up a drink or drug
a 12-step program that has slowly shown me how to love myself
COnversations with GOd, the movie coming soon
all the birthday wishes I received
freedom
choices
awareness
God

And they say today's music is crap Part 1

2006-08-26T20:30:00.000-04:00

Something tells me that Mrs. Mills loves to party!

Wake up in the morning next to someone you don't remeber. Pop this baby in and you are good to go!

Unfortunatley, Nino's original title, "Me And My Naked Black Chick" was a bit too racy for the politically charged climate of the 60s.

Even Ken Dodd's dog says, "fix your fucking teeth, man!"

And they say today's music is crap Part 2

2006-08-26T20:12:00.000-04:00

Who better to give you an introduction to the soulful sounds of Jazz, than Reverend A.L. Kershaw!

For some odd reason, I think this woman should be very very afraid.

I'd show you the third side of Hamish Imlach, but his colon looks too blurry

She's a big lass, she's a bonny lass... oh let's face it, she's a fat lass!

Ahh yes, a soundtrack for your BBQ, with enough watermelon to choke a horse! The follow up album, MUSIC FOR YOUR FONDUE PARTY wasn't as successful, unfortunately.

Big George is HUGE! If came from a catalog that says "Popular Music Department". How would you like to live in a world where this is popular music?

And they say today's music is crap Part 3

2006-08-26T19:56:00.000-04:00

How many songs did The Singing Postman actually put out to get a "Best of" collection together?

From the look of this album cover, it looks like sleeping is the last thing this wired baby's going to be doing, especially with all those freaky floating heads above his crib.

I don't know much about The World of Joseph Cooper, but something tells me it's very lonely.

Trevor Crozier's record contract called for 50 cents an album commission, all the beer he could drink, and nobody, and I mean nobody, was ever allowed to use the word "toothbrush" in his presence.

Look at the cover for THE COCKTAIL HOUR and marvel at the sheer amount of booze on that table! It's only missing Ted Kennedy.

Which one? The one on the left or the right?

Sleep with little Angels

2006-08-25T22:45:00.000-04:00

One of the things that my mom would tell me at the end of a nighttime phone conversation was "Sleep with little Angels"
She began doing that when I got sober.
Little did I know that 6 months later that would become a little GOd thing for me.

6 months into sobriety, I finally moved out of my ex's and into a friend of my sponsor's. It should have been a very painful thing for me (God was carrying me through it). When I first saw my new room the picture of the angels was still hanging over the bed. The roommate was going to take it down, but I asked him to keep it up. I drew a lot of strength from that painting. I finally got to "Sleep with little Angels"

I needed to remind myself of a God thing today because today was a little rough....dealing with Wreckage of the Past.....Expensive Wreckage of the Past

Today I am grateful for......
The money that I needed today
My parents support
BJ and Brian's call tonight
That my new relatinship is starting off with good communication
1st week of school is done
This weekend
Lambda
People from Lambda I run into daily
Progress in my license fiasco

I am going crazy.....ooops too late!

2006-08-24T22:07:00.000-04:00

Something very weird has been happening of late.
When I get into the shower in the morning, my mind runs nonstop with a lot of random information. What is weird about this is that people put into my head randomly. People I haven't seen or heard of lately. Several times now as of late, I have ran into those people later in the day or gotten phone calls, etc.

NOw this happens at work a lot. I mean a reaaaaaaaal lot. Me and my coworkers are often left in amazement when what we talk about comes true.

I am probably just going crazy.....ooops too late!

Today I am grateful for......
Seeing BJ last night
John Mayer's new song "Vulture" of his new cd out Sept 12
how my experience at the t.v. station is making classes very easy
Smiling for no reason
Smiling for no reason
Smiling for no reason
Almost having all my obstacles out of the way (DRIVER'S LICENSE RENEWAL)
GOD everpresent
Scott's post today about his positive affirmation
Time alone tonight

FOOD

2006-08-22T23:11:00.000-04:00

About 2 months ago, my coworker turned me on to a diet she had been doing. Even though it is not a diet to really lose weitht, I have lost 10 lbs. The diet is designed to maximize how I feel and how I absorb nutrients. I have been feeling great since I started it.

Because I'll be spending long hours on campus this semester, I bought myself a large lunch-box container to carry my meals.
During a stroll down the cafeteria today at school I found Wendy's, a pizza joint, Starbucks, Chick-Fil-A, and a newly opened Chilli's. Not many chances to eat healthy there.

On another note, I was blown away by the 12:15 meeting and how they handled someone who had just come back from a relapse. I have always been able to get what I need there, and I am very grateful that this semester I will be able to attend that meeting. For the past few months, my meetings were relegated to CMA and there just isn't much long term sobriety there yet.

Today I am grateful for...
An AWESOME INTRUCTOR (she's also the manager at 93Q country FM)
COurage to take care of something before it became a huge problem
the 12:15 meeting
GABA
Seeing BJ tomorrow
GOD
Luther Vandross's Greatest HIt CD
Good Sleep

Strange Times-HAUNTED

2006-08-21T22:40:00.000-04:00

I had such an awesome weekend. I think I am still on a natural high from it. Saturday the 19th was not only my mom's birthday, but it also marked the 2 year mark that I had entered recovery. Like many of us know, those first days and weeks are a roller coaster of emotions....for me they were filled with the pain of my relationship ending.

During those first few days of sobriety for me, I found this CD that I had bought but never opened. It was The Moody Blues's "STRANGE TIMES" Very appropriate for what I was experiencing at the time. To my surprise, many of the songs spoke to me and what I was experiencing. One song in particular- HAUNTED- really got to me. I would start crying when I listened to it.
To this day, when I listen to it, I am reminded of how difficult and painful the first days of sobriety were. 2 years later I am able to look back and thank God for where I am today

"Here is the paradox of all human relationships. YOu have no need for a particular other in order for you to experience fully who you are, and without another you are nothing. This is both the mystery and the wonder; the frustration and the joy of the human experience"
-Conversations with GOD-

Today I am grateful for.....
Davee's pictures of a very special moment for me. Thanks...mine came out blurry
Spending Sunday with my parents
Sunday morning brunch with BJ
My sponsor
schedule at school that allows me to go to some 12:15 meetings
Monogamy
Good first day of class
PEace

Virus

2006-08-21T13:52:00.000-04:00

The road to internet access has been difficult for some time now.
Computer caught a nasty virus over the weekend and thanks to a day of work on it by my dad yesterday, it is back up running. I will try to post tonight, I am late for work.

Talent Show Idea!

2006-08-17T23:14:00.000-04:00

I was going to be doing something with someone else for the talent show and on Tuesday night they backed out. I have been racking my brain for something to do. I even asked God for an idea.
I got home tonight, got quiet, and all of a sudden something fell into place that I am excited about.

I have gone into fundraisers at Lambda in the past with 2 mindsets. When I do it to have fun I come out with a great experience. When I go in trying to win something (Halloween Custome Contest) the results have not been so great....resentment.

I am doing a song that was very healing for me in my first few days of sobriety. It is not something that I expect to win with, but I would definately regret not doing it. I thank God for this idea :)

Today I am grateful for....
Serenity Prayer at work
BJ will be at talent show!!
Lindsay will be at talent show!!!
meeting with my sponsor in the morning
Seeing people from the program everywhere I go
Fellow Bloggers
Lambda
that my work at the store is rewarding
Moody Blues/Meatloaf

Koren Robinson

2006-08-16T23:39:00.000-04:00

On Monday night, I was watching a preseason NFL game on t.v. and the announcers talked in detail about Koren Robinson, a wide-receiver for the Minnesota Vikings. They talked about Koren's struggles with alcohol and how he is making a comeback this year after taking some time off for his recovery. The announcers finished by congratulating him on over 1 year of sobriety and talked about how well he is doing.

Shocked would be a bad choice of word when describing how I felt at the news on ESPN yesterday that Koren Robinson had been involved in a DWI and fled from the police. I am not shocked because I understand the strength of the disease. I was just sad since I had just heard about this "Success Story" a few nights ago.

Today I am grateful for...
Being able to make a choice to have a good day today, when I felt crummy at first
meeting with David Friday morning
Desire, but no clue what I am doing for the talent show
peacuful home situation
a/c at work
finally getting some sleep after 3 days of getting none
GOD
BJ
awareness of my anger at the moment
willingness to do something about it

showing up and standing still

2006-08-13T23:35:00.000-04:00

One of the hardest things I face in sobriety is showing up and standing still. It feels like, If I am not going through some type of growth (which many times is painful), I am not accomplishing anything.

That is why I say one of the hardest things is showing up, standing still, and waiting for God to walk into the room. I know when he does, it is a wonderful thing.

I am beginning the semester of school in a week and a part of me is still torn with what I want to do. I have questions.
I have really enjoyed working at the vitamin shop and learning about keeping the body healthy and helping others in that area. In the mind, body, soul triangle I am learning about what it takes to keep the body at its best. This could be a career choice. SOul work happens through the 12-steps and service work

SOmeone that used to be in the program came in today and they looked like they are days away from death. Scary reminder again.

Today I am grateful for....
Getting through this day after 4 hours of sleep last night
Quiet night
working with Lindsay today
being in enough pain to want to seek change in relationship
Hillsong